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Out Of This Time

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[Tuesday, July 4th, 2006 @ 2:08pm]

Today was turning out to be bloody strange. Here I thought that if Buffy ever saw me again she'd want to stake me... And instead she'd rescued me from whatever the hell had been tormenting me in the basement of the school, and then we'd had breakfast together. I felt like I was dreaming.

After we'd finished clearing up, I heard footsteps upstairs. Dawn must be awake. I decided the best thing to do would be to go down to the basement; it would be too much of a shock for Dawn just to come down and see me. That unfortunately left Buffy with the task of explaining my return to Dawn. Didn't envy her that.

I sat on the narrow bed in the basement, listening to the clump of Dawn's feet on the stairs, then the clatter as she got her breakfast. I wondered if she still liked the toy out of the cereal, or if she was too grown up for that now. I felt sad. Dawn and I had been close. She was almost like a little sister. But after what I'd done to Buffy, I was sure she must hate me.

I heard a low murmur. Buffy's voice. Then Dawn's voice, slightly louder. I couldn't catch the words, but the conversation went on for some time.

The rest of the day passed slowly. I waited until I heard the front door shut; seemed like Dawn had gone out. Then I went upstairs and mindlessly watched TV for a while, barely seeing the images. My mind felt completely blank.

Sunset finally came. I was eager to leave the house and go out patrolling. It would help, I thought, to kick some demon arse. To feel like I was doing something.

"You wanting to head out, pet?" I said to Buffy. "And... how did Dawn take the news that I'm, y'know, back in town?"
23 will be loved tell me you love me

The next morning. [Tuesday, June 20th, 2006 @ 8:49pm]

When I awoke this morning, it took several minutes to remember and process the events from the night before:

Finding Spike in the school basement.

Talking to him, or more or less trying to. He wasn’t exactly sane or easy to talk to.

Bringing him home to protect him from hurting anyone, and locking him in my basement.

Its funny that I can remember everything from last night when I was with Spike, but I can’t remember coming up the stairs to crawl into bed. From crying on the kitchen floor to ending up in my own bed, it was a big blur. Then again, I was a tad over emotional at the time, which is probably why my mind took a temporary hike.

Kicking off the bedclothes, I swing my feet over the side of the bed and stand up. Glancing to my beside table where my alarm clock lay, it read 8:34am. God, Spike must be in need some blood by now, not to mention a bathroom to wash up. He wasn’t in the best shape last night. Entering the hallway, I check to make sure Dawn was in her room and still asleep. Thankfully, she was. Best not to spring Spike on her so suddenly, she’s still touchy on the subject of him since she found out what he had tried to do.

Descending downstairs, I move through the front entrance hall before entering the living room and closing all the blinds and shades that I could. I didn’t want to fry Spike with sunlight, after all. It took about 5 minutes to make sure that all the rooms where sunless on the main floor. Reaching the basement door, I unlock it and open it, peering down the stairs, “Spike?”.
27 will be loved tell me you love me

From out of the desert [Thursday, June 8th, 2006 @ 1:04am]

I fought for an eternity, in the sweltering heat of the African night, suffering and burning and screaming, and I won, I bloody won, and then...

God, it hurt. I hadn't realised how much it would hurt. The spark.


Don't know exactly what happened then. Awoke in darkness; the demon was gone. Time slid in and out. At first I was just confused. Too befuddled to hurt. I got back on a ship, burrowed myself down into the darkness of its hold... And then the nightmares started. Girls I'd killed, mostly. Girls with long blonde hair like...her. Blood on their necks. And they'd smile at me. That was the worst thing.

By the time I got back to Sunnydale, Dru had started talking to me. Couldn't be her, could it? Not really. Why would Dru, my dark beauty, be following me back to that awful place? And what was I doing, going back? I'd done all this for B- for the girl, and now I'd realised I didn't deserve her. I was a monster. She'd said that to me, but I hadn't understood it. Not then. But now -

"Why's little Spike crying?" said Dru, making a clucking sound at me. "Tell mummy all about it."

I pressed my face into the floor. I just want to rest..


Later. More time has passed. How much time? I don't know; hours, days perhaps. I realise vaguely that I'm in the basement of the school. No bloody idea why. The air is thick with something dark.

"I should... I should go up. See her," I say to myself, running my hands through my hair.

"Oh?" says Dru. "Going to see your princess?" She smiles and waggles a finger at me. "Don't you realise, my little William, you don't belong up there with her. You should stay in the dark, down here. Otherwise you might forget them."

"Who?" I ask, but I already know.

"All those pretty girls," she says, and I see dead girl after dead girl lying on the floor. "All those lovely dollies you killed." She tilts her head and smiles at me sweetly. "You always did have a taste for the young ones."

"That wasn't... I'm different now. I've changed."

"You'll never change, Spike. You know it... She knew it. You'll always be a monster. I love that about you. Do you think she does?"


Dark again. No Dru, and no girls. Not for now. But they'll be back; it's what they do. I rub my chest, feeling the familiar pain. The spark. I rub and rub and then claw with my fingers, and find to my surprise there's blood on my fingesr. I've scratched deep into my chest, and I didn't even feel it.

It's always blood.
27 will be loved tell me you love me

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